“I do exist”
There she was. And there I always am.
I look at her like she was someone separate from me - and she was. She was a manifestation of my ego. And I loved her.
As I scrolled back through my old Instagram posts I am in awe. I can’t believe that was “me” - she was pretty cool. Something I never saw until I had to let her go.
Then my logical mind told me, “but your still “you” - so really I am in awe not of who I was, but the power that was behind - creating and radiating through. I then saw the temporary nature and therefore not “true” self of my past self.
On the contrary, I find myself relating to much of what is silenced amongst Indian women - and probably women of all cultures. The words “I do exist!” came out of my mouth one day in a moment of outpouring after an exhausting day and it vibrated deeply again and again. I repeated those words and realised how much relief came from it. “Yes - I do exist god dammit”. Isn’t this something every woman might say at some point when taking care of the home and kids?
What a contrast… to be fighting the ego spiritually but be needing it materially. Is it no wonder that mothers can feel lost spiritually in their journey?
I realise now how lucky a woman is. To have the opportunity to renew herself completely - at least twice in her lifetime. Once after giving birth and then again after the child has left the nest.
To be able to dissolve one’s self in the knowledge that the body is temporary - and then re create oneself with the same blocks but in a different form - IS the gift of Shakti.
The reason we change form is continually be able to realise the stillness and permanent nature of Spirit. And women get that chance every month with their cycle- and every time they give birth.
To know that as women we ARE the Shakti - is incredible. It is not just something to read about and worship at a temple.
And so perhaps this is why we do need our ego - to be something - inorder to realise we are not anything.
As a mother in the material world we cannot be ego- less - and so yes.
We do exist. And we will keep existing until we are able to realise the Self that lies behind the myriad of personalities we can take on. Just like any other person.
I was reviewing my lessons from the teachings on Self- realization with the kriya path and Yogananda reminded us to always keep in mind the reasons why we are pursuing the path. To realise ourselves as Spirit.
As a mother here I need my ego to realise itself. I need to exist. Not only to take care of a child but to realise the Self through that process too.
At the moment I am sharing my journey of this transformation through motherhood on my weekly programme, “Heal with me” - which is a small healing circle where week by week we look at various aspects of health as per Ayurveda & spiritual principles and apply it to our daily lives. We use the Ayurveda for All course & workbook as our road map. Sessions are online via zoom and we have a whatsapp discussion group.
If this is something you would like to join in on, you can enrol onto the Ayurveda for All course and also purchase the workbook - then you’ll be added to heal with me :)
To enrol onto the course you can click here